When I hide.

Well, hi, blog. (And people who read this blog—which, thanks to my inconsistent blogging & winter hiatus from most photography, probably signifies a readership of about two people.)

I'm really excited to hopefully get into blogging again, as I'll have more engagements, family, weddings, etc. to be posting. Not just that, but as spring awakens outside, I always feel that my emotions & expressions of such slowly thaw out, ready to be used again! Basically: I've been lazy. And the cold, shorter days mean more Netflix and less…being. Being present. Present in life, in movement, or in pursuing things that I love. Winter is hard like that, and good for nights inside with a book (or The 100) and many mugs of tea. But, I want more today. So...

Oh, although this space is primarily reserved as my "business space," it also serves to share about me! Because when you run a sole proprietorship, you kinda are the business in some ways. Plus, I have always loved reading the thoughts of other photographers & writers online. I'd like to be the same kind of real, genuine gal. (If you're wondering who inspires me, here is a very short list: I'm Kristen, Jamie Delaine, Hannah Brencher…just to name a few!)

I’ve been trying to write this for over an hour. Which means, I’m out of practice when it comes down to words and paper. Thoughts run rampant (this may also have to do with the iced coffee I had at lunch…) and tangents, oh, those tangents are flying!

Fear. The emotion that so many of us fight daily. We respond uniquely to it, through various actions. Recently, I’ve realized that fear leads me to hide.

Hiding can be a good thing. A bride hides until the moment she is revealed to her husband. God hides His face from us because it far too glorious for our eyes to see. But I am not God, nor a bride. I have chosen to hide out of fear. This is wrongful hiding. I hurt myself, and others, in this action. 

Hiding. The action of criminals, fugitives, the shamed.

Is that what I am? Is that my identity? Is that what I want to do?

No.

I want to be known. Don't we all?

Beautiful things are not made to hide. They belong to be displayed. A vase of flowers set out on a table for guests to enjoy, art hung in a museum to be marveled over by tired tourists. If I am a wonderful creation, insecurities and all, then I don't want to hide. 

I wish this piece was more polished. That the grammar in it was correct, the thoughts cohesive. But that isn't reality today. 

And, in the the practice of being genuine, and messy, and real, I'm going to publish this. Unfinished, and a little rough. Let's be real together. Not hiding or lying our way through life, but being real & genuine & honest with who we are, what we've got to offer. Each one of you, myself included, is a work in progress. We'll never be able to encourage if we don't think those around us need encouragement or help! 

1 John 4:18. 

When winter turns warm…take photos!

My younger sister had a week longer break than Iowa State, so she came down to visit for a day. It just so happened that the day she was in town, a heat wave also hit! We enjoyed the balmy 30 degree weather, walked around Brookside Park, and make some photos. This girl was my first model, and it's fun to update my collection of her. ;)

Jessica + Brandon || Engaged!

As sure as I live, this love that I give
Is gonna be yours until the day that I die
-Randy Travis: Forever and Ever, Amen

Brandon & Jessica met at Central College through mutual friends. They got to know each other better during class and finally started "talking"…right before Brandon left the country for three weeks over Christmas break! Distance didn't stop them then, and it sure hasn't stopped them as they've dated "short-distance" over the past two years.

Jessa (as I call her) has been one of my best friends since our 10th grade biology class. (Telling, since Jess majored in biology in college!) When I visited her at Central during the college years, it's quaint style stuck with me. Once these two got engaged, we quickly set up engagement photos in Pella! No brainer, such a good idea. (Maybe not that it happened on one of the coldest days so far…but hey, Brandon and Jess rocked it, regardless! Plus, we grabbed coffee at Smokey Row, and Dutch Letters at Jaarsma. BEST DAY EVER.)

Thank you both for being willing to face the winter winds with me! I'm thrilled to be capturing your wedding day. Jesus will be glorified, laughter will abound, and so many people who love you will rejoice with you! Can't wait for July:)

remembrance with thanks

this is my song, my savior, God, to Thee
how great Thou art
how great Thou art

"who deserves any grace?" ann voskamp

I would rather die now than to live a life of oblivious ease in so sick a world—nate saint

“be saturated in love”

The desert shows us who we truly are, where we place our hope, faith, trust.

“there is no occasion when meals should become totally unimportant. meals can be very small indeed, very inexpensive, short times…but they should always be more than just food. relaxation, communication and a measure of beauty and pleasure should be part of even the shortest of meal breaks.”

— edith schaeffer

there is no control in love.

If you seek after the good portion, it will not be removed.

“The main point of Christianity was this: that Nature is not our mother: Nature is our sister.”

— G.K. Chesterton

All new life labors out of the very bowels of darkness. That fullest life itself dawns from nothing but Calvary darkness and tomb-cave black into the radiance of Easter morning. Out of the darkness of the cross, the world transfigures into new life. And there is no other way.
--Ann Voskamp

Be kind. And have courage. And all will be well.—Cinderella

#NAVcon15

Being on staff with the Navigators means that as part of your job, you "have" to go to conferences (awesome conferences with great teaching, the sweetest people, and learning!)—which generally end up being located in the best states. Like Colorado. Orrrr Florida.

This was my first, and possibly only, national staff conference. Us young staff (first and second years) also had our own training, so we went early. Meaning we were in Orlando approximately 9 days. 9 sunny, warm, how-is-this-November days. Oh my. Glooooorrrrious. ;)

Since we actually DID work (some pretty long) days, and the sun set just as we broke for dinner, most of my photos are from the day & a half I visited Disney World. I've been to Disney 3 times (once in Tokyo as a 2 year old, once in high school, and this trip) so I made sure to bring my camera. The last time I'd been was before I really was interested in photography, and felt like ages ago! I hardly remembered the rides, so getting to experience it all over again was a dream. PLUS I got to experience it with some of the sweetest people—a trip to remember for life:)

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The Rowenhorsts || Family Session

This family has always treated me like an extra daughter, and even let me take their family photos when I was just beginning my venture into photography! (I'd like to think I have a better idea of what I'm doing now. ;) Coming home to Cedar Falls and getting asked to photograph a family session or two is always a treat, and this one was extra special for me. It was wonderful to stop by their house & enter the joyous chaos a few weeks ago when, see the little boys so grown up, the two oldest home from college, and be reminded of those days gone by!

Morganne || Ames IA Portrait Photographer

This lovely lady just happens to be one of my favorites. We've walked the path of life together for 2.5 years, and I'm so excited for the next 25+! Morganne and I met our first week-ish at ISU…and she brings so much joy to my life. Plus, she's weird in the best way and says the crayyyyyziest things! (M, you make me laugh 10x as much when I'm with you…so, thanks for keeping me healthy;) Thanks for finally letting me redeem myself with my camera and make some art. <3

The Howes || Geisler Farms || Ames Family Photographer

I've been wanting to explore some pumpkin patches around the Ames & Ankeny area for a while…so when my cousin Sara contacted me about taking some fall photos of her family, I was thrilled! We had the most gorgeous fall afternoon to explore Geisler Farms, and then headed in to town for a few more photos. What I didn't know is that they were also announcing their pregnancy! Our whole extended family is thrilled to help them welcome their second son this spring—Sara has two sisters, so it's kinda fun that she and her sister both have boys! :) Sara & Ben, thanks for coming this way and letting me help you share this exciting news and capture some memories of your family of three.

Engaged || Ryan + Lauren || Pt. 2

These twoooo!!! I swoon…October hit us again with perfect weather for their engagement session. (Remember when they actually got engaged?! So much FUN!) You really can't go wrong taking engagement photos at Iowa State University, I mean, it's in the top rated prettiest campuses in the United States! Plus, I have it on good authority that quite a few students end up here purely because of how pretty she is in the autumn…and who knows, some of them find the one they'll adventure through life with at this school. ;) 

Ames, IA Engagement Photos || Selia + Brennan

These two! Oh my goodness…it seems like all I've known of them is the two of them, together. Selia and Brennan are student leaders in the campus ministry I work for, and I think we've all known for a while (or at least hoped!) that Brennan would ask Selia to take his last name. As you can see, he finally did! ;) And, as you can also see, they are SUPER STOKED to get married! Thank you so much for letting me photograph you as you enter in to this new season of life! Keep bringing the crazy. :)

Des Moines Anniversary Portraits || Geoff + Rachel

Rachel has been nothing but a joy and encouragement since I met her! Fun fact: she actually second shot my first wedding with me. Then, she asked me to shot her wedding (so intimidating! but SO FUN!) and now, a little over a year later, their first anniversary session. We had the most beautiful October evening…also, I love shooting in Des Moines. All you Des Moinesians out there: hit me up!

Proposal || Ryan + Lauren || Pt. 1

Ryan and Lauren are such sweet friends. Watching them grow in friendship and love has been so wonderful! I remember standing in the RCA courtyard when Lauren told me she and Ryan had just started dating…but she wasn't sure how it would work out, since they were spending the summer and next semester beginning to date. Long distance. Well, long story short, that distance had nothing on their love. ;)

Earlier this semester, Lauren mentioned that she wanted me to shoot photos of their engagement—"whenever that happens!" She thought it would be this semester, but hadn't really much idea of the timeline. "All I want is for it to be a surprise, for Ryan to ask my dad, and for you to be there to photograph it." And thanks to some stealthy planning from Ryan and myself, and a whole lot of grace from the Lord, it went off without a hitch! Even though it was chilly, the sun came out, the Crow's Nest was empty when they arrived, and they left with huge smiles and a wedding to plan! Enjoy the 'day of' photos…part two of engagement photos to come.

Ames Engagement Photos || Jessica + Samuel

I love how goofy Jess and Sam are together! They are completely comfortable being themselves, and that is so much fun to be around. Jessie and I met 3 years ago, and keeping up with her over the years has been a joy. I was so surprised (and excited!) when she asked me to shoot engagement photos for her and Sam—these two are fantastic people, and burn bright together. :) We started off shooting their engagement photos in the Ames Library (Jess is currently in grad school studying library science) and then ended our time together out at the ever-beautiful Ada Hayden park. Enjoy a few of my favorites!

Personal || Camping

These people became my family last year. We laughed & cried together. (Ok, maybe that was just me every time we watched a movie…) There were inside jokes ["Ben, your knee looks like a baby!"] and nicknames. We ate food (a lot, too much, but then…can there every be too much?!) and drank coffee. Sometimes at 11pm, which is not a good idea when the next morning happens to be a Monday. Fights might have happened, but love exceeded all of that. Dear Fortress, thank you all for living out love. "Families are made in the heart." Oh, how true this is.

Jessica || Cedar Falls, IA Senior Portraits

Senior sessions that turn light into magic, and moments into memories…those are the sessions that keep me going. And this girl, she was perfection. Jess is in every way an artist, a dancer, a dreamer, and as sweet as they come. I just wish that I knew her half as well as I did her two older sisters! (Might be biased and also praying she decides to attend Iowa State next year so that could be a reality;) Enjoy a sampling of my favorites from our evening together…thanks for letting me have the honor of making photos of you, Jessica! 

Mr + Mrs Doubek || Waterloo, IA Wedding Photographer

Sara and I attended the same high school, but since we didn't run in the same circles, we never met. Fast forward to this spring, when I received an email from her asking about engagement and wedding photos! It was so wonderful to spend time getting to know these two over the course of the summer, and their wedding was such a simple and personal affair. Jake and Sara wed at the Waterloo Center for the Arts, the perfect location for wedding, reception, and bridal party photos! Also…my favorite part of the day might have been Sara's first look with her son. He was so shy and yet so happy, and it is something that I'm sure he'll remember for years to come:) 

No Photographers in Heaven

My life has been one crazy, wild ride the past month.

I moved back to Ames, started to figure out what it looks like to be working with college students but not to be a college student. Somehow began adulting. (Health insurance? Automatic payments? Cooking meals and trying to eat healthy?!) Pulled some crazy long 12 hour+days, and had other days that weren't so long, therefore eliciting the desire to sleep all day. And be alone. I love people, I'm an extrovert—but I suddenly was also totally. ok. being. alone.

Oh, campus ministry. You're a mystery to me. 

In the midst of not-even-sure-what-is-going-on, God has been so present. And you know what? I'm learning a lot, when I take the time to pull back from the crazy and be still for a few minutes. He's always here. And I'm still me—fine being busy, working hard, or being lazy. I still have to intentionally set apart time to retreat with Jesus and to listen. If you know me, you know I like to talk. Listening is good, but it can be hard to just shut up. 

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In fact, this Labor Day weekend, we had a retreat. 
"What do you think is one of your strengths? What do you bring, add to, our team?" Adam asked us as we sat around the table during team bonding time. 

Silence. Wow. This is hard. I can look at Liz and easily see her attention to detail as a strength. Morganne's crazy love of laughter & humor & fun, and Michael's kindness & care as things that would diminish our team should they leave. But myself?

I didn't know.

I think I said that I can talk and make small talk. But honestly, right now, I feel like my extroversion is a weakness. Talking comes more naturally than it did five years ago. Small talk is cheap, but easy. Getting to the harder things, that takes intentional questions. And waiting, silence, listening.

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Listening is something I need more of. Distractions and obsession with the busyness of life is rampant, whether in college or in the working world.

Knowing this, yesterday I felt restless. Tired. Unsure. So I got in my car, opened up the sunroof. Put on some Josh Garrels and drove. Found myself at Ada Hayden. Surrounded by sunshine, the deep unsaturated blue-and-silver water, Black-Eyed-Susans, and space to breathe. 

no wifi. no music playing. no friend to talk with. just me, a girl with a restless heart, a need for sunshine and the Son. two hours, 4 journal pages, a few tears, prayer, and Galatians 5 later, my heart was full. OVERFLOWING! to rest is to enter in to the presence of God, to sit at His feet and seek His face. to remember truth.

Walking back to the parking lot, full of feels and rejuvenation, I saw them. I mean, really saw them. Yes, they'd been there when I'd passed that way earlier, but now I remembered. Last week, I'd asked Jesus to give me flowers. Flowers are some of my favorite things in all creation, and I'd wanted some surprise gifting of a bouquet to sit in my room. Instead, Jesus had slowly drawn me out of my room and to Ada Hayden…where wild flowers (the best!) are growing and blooming in abundance! Oh, what a sweet gift and reminder from the King of Creation! 

Now, you all know I'm a photographer. So, having only my handy dandy iPhone in my bag, I pulled it out to capture them. And realized that being a photographer is such a temporary, short-lived thing. 

I'm created for Heaven, for Eternity.

This soul of mine, it longs so deeply for Forever. "He has written eternity on the hearts of man." But I live in a broken, dying world. It cries out for salvation, redemption. It reeks of rust and spoiling food, of decay and dust. We all race against time. I fight it, and in some ways, I fight time with my camera. The desire to remember, so capture and keep beauty.

Friends, dearest hearts, all beauty comes from God! He is beautiful, and in creation He has reflected that—from breathtaking mountains to delicate field flowers. In my race to capture photos of newborn babies or a sunset, I am seeking to capture time. To stay in the forever, in the eternal beauty, to somehow grasp it in between my fingers.

In Heaven, there will be no photographers. At least, I don't think there will be.

I don't have scripture to say that—so I could be mistaken! But in eternity, those who are with God will forever be with Beauty. It will not fade.

"No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever."—Revelation 22:3-5

What joy! No longer will I be trying to soak up the moments before they pass, remember the colors of the sunset before it goes away or the butterflies before winter comes—I shall reign with the Lord forever, and be surrounded by His (and all) beauty...in every moment, for all eternity!

Mr + Mrs Rouse || Celebration Farm, Iowa City

“I haven’t seen her
For a month or so
Young love feels like finding buried gold”

— Ben Rector, Paris

Kyle and Bailie met in college. Over time, a friendship and then relationship was built. Even as Kyle switched universities (to the other side of the country!) to pursue pastoral ministry, and Bailie finished her degree and began working a few more states eastward, their relationship has stayed strong. This is not due to their own strength, bur rather, that their relationship was founded on Christ, His love, and His grace.

Kyle and Bailie had such a perfect wedding day! Not only was the weather wonderful for their outdoor wedding at The Celebration Farm, but joy was so evident in every moment & step along the way! From their time praying together before the ceremony (but no first look!) to the time of worship during the ceremony, from enjoying the yummiest Mediterranean food for dinner to dancing the night away with dear friends and family, this day was 100% them & absolutely glorious to behold. 

Wedding Venue: The Celebration Farm
(with help from Katie!)
Caterer: Oasis Falafel
Dessert: Heyn's Ice Cream
Florist: Hyvee Floral

Sweet Film || Personal

I love film. And the easiest way to shoot it is, of course, disposable cameras. Yes, I'm fully aware you haven't used one since 6th grade camp…but I love the suspense that they bring. And, they give you prints in HARD COPY of the photos when you get a disc of them (at walmart, anyway)! So, so much fun.

This is a sprinkling of my last year—from my last night in Jacksonville at the Secret Lake, to the State Fair, seeing my grandma's house for the last time, college shenanigans, and my last week in college. 

cedar falls, ia || senior portraits || lauren

This girl is a fireball of fun! It was a blast adventuring with her to find the best bits of light when we hung out a few weeks ago. Have the best senior year ever girl & keep shining bright!